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Post by vivian on Nov 8, 2011 7:58:40 GMT -5
I know that there are some of us that are dealing with a really bad breakup.
We were not married but we lived together, were dating or thought we were a life partner.
I would like to open this thread up to our stories. We may have kids with them. We may have invested time and money in them - without the vows.
I want this to be a safe thread where we can share our stories.
We are not stuck in staying - we had no choice but to leave or to have them leave which is equally painful.
Please share here and feel free to ask anything at any time.
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Post by Damon on Nov 8, 2011 9:35:15 GMT -5
Vivian, I know that my story doesn't exactly match the tone of your thread, but my ex-wife and I lived together for over three years before we ever got married. Our plan was always to get married, and I sort of thought that if we could make it that long just living together, without being legally married, then we would have no problems once we finally took that step. So ours was a pretty long courtship, from summer of 1998 to fall of 2003 when we actually did get married. I certainly never thought that we would get divorced because she was gay.
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Post by brandon on Nov 8, 2011 11:24:09 GMT -5
Hi Vivian! Here's my story: I met my ex in college in 89, dated for 6 years, got married and had two children. I was as happy as I thought a man could be. I was extreamely grateful for having been blessed with such a beautiful, loving wife who was a fantastic mother. We were doing well financially, nice house, three cars and almost 13 years into our marriage when all hell broke loose. She was on the verge of turning 40 and started spending a lot of time with a twenty something girl she had met at work. I started complaining about the time they were spending together because I felt like she was beginning to be unavailable to me and our children. I also noticed her becoming cold to me and it felt like a wall went up between us. She would leave the house to go get something at the grocery and come home three hours later. I started asking questions about her and her friends relationship and was told it was silly for me to even ask such a question. This friend of hers was a wolf in sheeps clothing. I had no idea she was a lesbian. This girl had dinner with us and had gone out with my family boating. I ended up reading some of the text messages on the ex's phone and things were not adding up. I confronted her about what I had read and she was pissed that I had gone behind her back and she continued to lie about their relationship. I was losing sleep, pacing the floor, blaming myself, it was driving me absolutely crazy. My intuition kept telling my she was involved in an affair with this friend. I ended up hiring a private investigator to find out the truth for me that I so desperately deserved to know. It took about 3 weeks for the truth to come out and she cried like a child when I confronted her with the evidence. I was so afraid of our family being broken up, I was afraid to start my life over and I was so in love with her that I just wanted to fix things. We went to marriage counseling and agreed to work past the infidelity. In the end, she could not break off contact with her friend and she was just not happy in our marriage so we ended up separating and our divorce was final in July of this year. This tragedy is by far the worst experience I have had to go through in life and I'm still not over it. I have come a long, long way in three years and plan on giving myself another two years of recovery before I try to enter another relationship. I have dated some, but I find myself numb and emotionally unavailable at this stage in my life. I am quick to tell the women I meet that I am not ready for a relationship to make them aware up front that I am not ready for anything serious. I don't want to inflict any pain intentionally on anyone, but I refuse to sit home on week end nights when I don't have my children and feel sorry for myself. I have made a lot of new friends, gotten back into exercising and met some wonderful women over the last two years. I've even been falsely accused of being a player. Really? Me? Not hardly.
Every str8 spouses story is different, but in some ways they are very similar. The hardest part for me was being lied to and cheated on by the one person in your life that was supposedly your best friend and was always supposed to be there to have your back. You think you know someone, but you never really do. Yes, I am jaded, but I will work past it with the passage of time.
Brandon
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Tara
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Post by Tara on Nov 8, 2011 15:11:11 GMT -5
Here is my pathetic story....
21 years ago last month I met a man who I believed to be heterosexual. He acted in such a way with everything he did. I have to admit looking back there were a few red flags that I missed. Something seemed a bit off with him but I just could not put my finger on it to save my soul. Since he was acting in heterosexual ways, I did not question his sexuality. Back then I had never met a gay person in my life. If I did, I didn't know it. I had no gaydar. I was just a trusting soul who needed to be loved, just like everyone else in the world. I thought he loved me, this guy, for who I was. We became best friends very quickly. We did everything together. We had so much fun. We could talk for hours and hours about anything. We enjoyed doing all the same things. We moved in together a year after we met.
I got sick and I had to quit my job. I was bed-ridden. We were only together 2 years. He never left my side. He took me to all the doctor's appointments and therapy sessions and did everything for me that I couldn't do myself. I was sick for a long, long time. He loved me anyway and wanted to marry me. I never met a man with a bigger heart, so full of love, love for me.
I ignored those thoughts that something wasn't quite right. He was at my side day and night and loved me for who I was. I knew I would never find anyone more dedictated, so I married him. That's when things started to unravel. It actually all started on the honeymoon. He did not want to have sex with me and what little sex life we had went to the wayside. As I recovered and got stronger from my illness (injury), I demanded we fix our marriage. I demanded a sex life. When I did that, he torched the marriage. Just like that...without warning. I was blindsided. I still am. It's been more than a year and a half. I don't understand how someone can love you so much one second and throw you to the curb the other. I thought he loved me for who I was. I didn't realize I was married to a fraud who would hide his true nature at all costs until I called him out on it. He never admits it. Sometimes he doesn't deny it. But the writing is everywhere. He put the writing there so I could see it plain as day, so I would know.
I am a limbo woman. I can tell you that it is a life of hell. I have no where to go and I have no money. I have been trying to go to school to change careers so I can get out. It is hard. I wake up each morning and I can't believe this is my life. My soulmate no longer wants me, I am just old baggage to him. I will not be able to keep the house or much of the stuff in it. The past 20 years of my life have been a lie. My wedding day was a lie. I have no future. I have lost everything.
To be quite honest with you, I've got nothing left. I have no more fight in me. I don't know where to go or what to do anymore. I've talked, written, cried, been to therapy, been on medication, changed jobs, gone to school, dated other men.....I just don't think I'm going to be one of those women who can pull themselves out. You see, before this happened, before I met my husband, I have been through so many things I cannot even speak of in public. I am warn out. I am tired. I have no fight left. He took every last ounce of strength and fight I had in me. He took my soul.
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Post by heyzeus on Nov 8, 2011 18:24:42 GMT -5
Ok, Tara. First of all don't you DARE ever call yourself pathetic again. Got it? I have read your posts on SSN. You are NOT pathetic. Your life isn't either. If you are pathetic I am proud to be as pathetic as you are. We are VICTIMS!!!! Of brilliant deceitful self-serving narcissists who were sharks to our chum of trust and love, and of us wanting to love and be loved back. Was it ever true and real? In my case, maybe a few instances here and there, but the real deal? Sorry, no. Don't buy it. Won't.
This shit is NOT easily understandable. In my case my stbx knew 30something years pre-disclosure she was a lez (we were married a little over 9 years at the time). Our "Im a lez" talk lasted about ten minutes and she then walked out the door to tend to her day. 30 yrs vs 10 minutes? Yeah, that's fair.
Of course you feel weakened, beaten down, worn out. The very core of our lives turn our entire worlds upside down and inside out. But guess what, Tara? Read some of your older posts. There is a voice of a fighter in them. A pissed off tigress, if you will. You ARE damaged. We all are. Badly. Destroyed? I think not. Right now my life is lower than a pile of whale shit at the bottom of the ocean. I have been in bed almost non-stop for two days (not in a good way!). I question the very value of my life, but do not have the option to end it.
We all need to lick our wounds and move on. I know how cold that sounds It's hard to think of the love of your love in the past tense, but that is what they are. We were/are their disguise. We have been used. Shit, my stbx made some kind of insincere confession / apology some time ago (never looked in my eyes, voice totally flat) andactually used the phrase I USED YOU. I'm not sure if she was bragging, trying to absolve herself or what. It surely wasn't a comfort-providing gesture.
I have tried to move on and fail daily. Child custody issues are imploding on me. My finances are a disaster. I dated a wonderful woman and due to my trust issues and other shit, caused that to blow up in my face. Will I die alone someday? Maybe. Funny (ironic, not haha), dying alone has always been my biggest fear.
Some time in the future I will share my story in-depth. I am 2 years and 2 days into this. It was then i was kicked out of my own bedfroom under the guise of kicking too much in my sleep (even though I was only home a few nights a week as I was then a night shifter). Outing herself was a few days (daze) later. Sadly Hallmark doesn't make a card for "Happy Anniversary Discovering Your Marriage Is a Fraud."
Stay strong, Tara. It sounds like Marrying a 'Mo is another obstacle.. You have overcome others: Health and your "other stuff"
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Post by Steve on Nov 8, 2011 19:04:00 GMT -5
ONE POST and I'm onto you Buddy heyzeus! Pffft!
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Post by karina on Nov 8, 2011 20:24:07 GMT -5
Tara, Even if you don't believe in your strength right now, I do. You are a survivor! I know that and you know that!! Everything is just catching up to you right now. Don't give up- don't you dare give up!!!!
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Tara
New Member
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Post by Tara on Nov 9, 2011 0:06:50 GMT -5
HeyZeus? My biggest fear is dying alone too, and that is right where I'm headed. Everythinng I ever throught could be my future has been stripped away. I am trying hard to get it together and also fail daily, more and more as each day goes on. The fight is leaving me.
When I was in trouble as alittle girl, my father used to come and get me every time. He was the only person in the world I could count on. He was the only person who was invested in my life. He died 15 years ago and now I sit in my front window and wait for someone to come, to get me out of this mess. Someone, anyone.....no one is coming.
How many str8s have to tell me to get the hell out of the house? Thousands? Where will I go? I just isn't that easy. My GIDH set it up this way. He's been orchestrating this for years. I had no idea it was all a plan. He made me completely dependent on him so I can't leave. And I can't stay. I am in some kind of emotional torture. I know I'm doing it to myself. I can't stop it. I'm just not that strong anymore. I am warn out. I am tired. I am in shock and I don't understand. I have been hung out to dry.
I know the pain and depression that puts you in bed for days. I've been there, HeyZeus. In fact, I'm there most of the time. I am a mere shadow of a person. The pain just radiates off of my body and I have this look of panic and fear on my face you can't miss. If your life is a pile of whale shit at the bottom of the ocean, then my life is a pile of squid shit on top of a piece of coral at the bottom of the ocean.
Hey, I feel I've done my time here, had MORE than my fair share of shit to deal with and I should get a free pass out of hell with this one. It's the only way I'm gonna get out of this alive. Or someone is going to have to come and get me and straighten my life out. It's been almost 2 years, I've been trying everything I know, I really have, trying very hard, and it isn't working. Dad needs to come and get me. Can someone tell him please? He's not hearing me. I need help.
Karina, my friend. You radiate such love. I love you. I'm sorry I'm not strong for you.
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Sue E
New Member
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Post by Sue E on Nov 9, 2011 4:00:04 GMT -5
Hi Tara,
You sound as if you are really struggling at the moment, if I could I'd come and get you because I know that feeling of wanting someone to come along and take care of things even just for a little while.
I know that you say that you have been given a lot of advice on just getting the hell out of there, but I think that before you do that you need to start taking baby steps towards building your self esteem, confidence and strength first. Start ever so slowly with whatever small changes you can make. Maybe the first thing would be to slowly gain some independence, perhaps by making some friends, doing some volunteer work, taking a class, joining a walking group? Just take your time and look around, at the moment your focus is all on your GH and your marriage and feeling stuck and trapped. Whatever you focus on expands and becomes your reality and life. Put your focus out there on the big wide world and take tiny steps each day towards being a part of it. Don't worry about the 'how' just focus on what you want. I'll help you if you like, you can keep me informed of your progress and I'll keep encouraging you. Sending you a warm hug to get you started.
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Sue E
New Member
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Post by Sue E on Nov 9, 2011 4:18:48 GMT -5
Hi Brandon,
Interestingly all hell broke lose in my marriage at year 13, that coincided with my husband going into a major depression and having therapy. It was at that point that he disclosed his attraction to men. It has taken me 5 years to get to the bottom of it, as he thought he was Bi and then he said he was in fact asexual and not attracted to anyone, male or female. Finally after many years of therapy, the truth, he is gay, never had the right feelings for me right from the start but married me any way. Thought I knew!!! Regrets telling me now despite me telling him that I needed to know.
I understand what you are saying about being so afraid about your family breaking up, I felt like that because my children were only 9 and 7 at disclosure. I went into denial to start with and thought we could still be together. I just wanted to keep the family together so much. It has been so difficult though to live like this and the last year or so has been hell. Think now it would have been better for the kids if we had separated. They have no idea of course but know we don't get on.
I'm glad you are getting on with your life now. It gives us all hope that we can get through and past this gay thing but understand what you are saying about trust and future relationships.
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Post by brandon on Nov 9, 2011 7:14:14 GMT -5
Hi Sue!
It sounds like you are still with your husband. I don't know how you have managed to stay in the pressure cooker for as long as you have. Well, our stories are quiet different, you didn't mention being lied to and cheated on. Do your children still not know? My two still have no idea. They are 8 and 11 and I'm still seeking advice on how to handle tellin them the truth about why mom & dad couldn't stay together. There is life after tgt. You have to get to the point to where you want to pursue that life that awaits you. I was very afraid, but after living in such an awkward situation with her for a year, sleeping on the couch in another part of the house, being her room mate, I figured that whatever the future held had to be an improvement over the situation I was in. I never wanted to be single again, but I'm certainly making the best of it.
What are your plans now? Is he going to explore relationships with men? Is he going to stay with you and attempt to ignore his gayness? Are you going to agree to an open marriage? I would advise you to look out for your best interests.
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Sue E
New Member
Posts: 17
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Post by Sue E on Nov 9, 2011 15:05:29 GMT -5
Hi Brandon
Yes I am still with my husband. He is acknowledging his gayness a bit more now to himself and is a tiny bit more comfortable with it but still has no intentions of pursuing a relationship with a man (or a women). He says he is actually asexual (but I think he is just suppressing sexual feelings completely). We agreed not to have sex any more over a year ago. It wasn't happening anyway so no big deal for me - he was over the moon the next day, a huge pressure lifted from his shoulders, didn't leave me feeling that great as you can imagine. Whilst he was whistling and smiling the next day. I was trying not to let the tears fall because I didn't want the children to see. I knew then that he was definitely gay.
I haven't talked to my husband about an open marriage, don't see how that could work as no one knows about him being gay apart from myself and I am sure that no single guy that I meet would want to be caught up in such a difficult situation where I couldn't date him openly so that he could meet my friends and family. I am sure my husband wouldn't want to know if I was seeing anyone else and I don't want to be sneaking around - don't see why I should have to. My children are now 14 and 12 and I am trying really hard to keep the home together for a few more years. It is difficult because my husband suffers from depression and can be verbally abusive. He hates me with a passion at times because of course he thought I could fix him and I can't. I haven't been cheated on that I know of but he did marry me under false pretence, he knew he was gay before he married me. He had a sexual experience with a much older man when he was 16 - this man did take advantage of him and it was abuse but it was still going on when I started going out with him and I only found that out a few years ago. He did tell me about the abuse before we married but I didn't realise it meant he was gay. There were lots of red flags over the years that I missed completely.
I am glad that you have been able to move on. Part of the reason I am still with my husband is not being able to find a way to talk to the children about it. I know that if we just separated they would be hounding me to get back with him unless they knew the real reason. Teenagers are just developing their own sexuality and I think that timing is crucial but maybe I am just making excuses and am too scared to leave.
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Post by brandon on Nov 9, 2011 17:42:13 GMT -5
If you're gay, have the courage to be who you are. Your situation is what makes my blood pressure go up, that is when someone knows they are gay and go through with marrying a heterosexual. A few questions Sue: How old are you, how long have you been married and how are you dealing with the sexless marriage? For me, sex was a major part of the relationship I had with the ex. We had some great times in the bedroom during our marriage. What a dumbass my ex was to tell me she wanted to take a break from sex. She told me this after I started asking questions about the relationship she was having with her new friend. That's the major reason I was pressuring her to hurry up and move out after we decided to separate, I was tired of sleeping on the couch and it had been over six months since I had seen any action. Yes, you can call me a horn dog.
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Sue E
New Member
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Post by Sue E on Nov 9, 2011 19:27:19 GMT -5
Hi Brandon I am 46 and have been married for 18 years. Just to explain, I went out with my husband for 18 months when we were in our teens. We then got back together again some 6 years later, dated for a just over a year and then got married. First time round we didn't have sex. A big red flag there I was young and naive and just thought that he must really respect me so much that he didn't even try to make a move on me. Sex with him eventually was awkward in that he seemed almost embarrassed but I put it down to the fact that I was his first. I had by that point had a 5 year relationship with someone else that hadn't worked out but had been very passionate and sex had played a big part in the relationship. It got better for a while but eventually became very functional rather than being about making love and/or passion. There was always lots of excuses - I asked at the wrong time, the thought of the kids being next door put him off, I was too demanding etc etc. Living in a sexless marriage has been really difficult. At times the frustration level has been so high that I have turned into Mrs Extremely Angry and Going to Kill Someone. lol. He gets the brunt of my anger at times. But I really miss the basic things just as much like a hello/goodbye kiss everyday, someone to cuddle up with on the sofa or in bed at the end of the day, someone to hold hands with or hug on a day out. How do I cope? Well I do a lot of exercise - mainly running and cycling and personal training sessions at the gym when I can afford them. Couldn't have been a lot of fun on the couch for six months! What a gentleman though! I did try pushing my husband out of the bed by sleeping right down the middle of it but that didn't work so I am now sleeping right on the edge of it You've got to laugh really otherwise you'd go mad. Humour is a good way to cope.
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Post by brandon on Nov 10, 2011 12:00:12 GMT -5
Sue, I have heard str8 women describe a sexless marriage as abuse. The fact that their hubbies weren't interested in them sexually damaged their self confidence and really messed with their minds. Those poor women and they have nothing to do with the fact that their spouses prefer a penis. I will never my ex confessing to our therapist that she no longer found me physically attractive. Ouch! That was a blow. I soon discovered my attractiveness is not an issue, I was just no longer equiped to turn her on. After we separated, I started going out on the town to see if I still had a chance to attract a woman. It had only been 19 years since I had considered being with another woman and I didn't know what to expect. I'll just say my mind is definitely at ease now. I have had no problems with the str8 women. I still find myself emotionally unavailable. I'm sure that will pass, especially when I meet someone I really like. I did wait until after I was separated before I did anything on the dating scene. I commend you for being as strong as you have been. I wish you the best in your ordeal.
Brandon
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