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Post by Damon on Nov 14, 2011 22:22:51 GMT -5
I know that a lot of people have posted their stories on the SSN board, but they have a tendency to fall out of the archives in time. I am hoping that this board will give allow us to keep a lot of the posts for a much longer period of time, and so I thought that it might be a good place for a collection of personal stories from you guys. Share as much or little detail as you like. My hope is that this will begin some conversations on the similarities and that we can help each other in similar circumstances. To start off, I will share my story.
I met my ex-wife, let's call her Sam (short for Samantha, not Sammy!!!), in the summer of 1998. She was 17 at the time and in between her junior and senior year of high school. I was 20 years old at the time. We began dating, and I was her first boyfriend...in fact she had not really "dated" anyone before me either. I had been dating since I was fifteen or so and had several girlfriends, but you know how those days are. They aren't really to be taken seriously, so she was more or less my first serious relationship. We dated all through her senior year of high-school and got engaged after she graduated. She went away for college to a school about two and a half hours away from me, but still we talked every night and saw each other every weekend. Some weekends I would travel there, some she would come back home. After one semester at that college, she decided to move back here and attend the local college that I was attending. I urged her not to come back because of me, because her major wasn't offered at this university, but she insisted on changing her major and coming back because she missed me and wanted to be close to me. Shortly after moving back home, she moved in with me. We stayed together in that capacity until 2003 when we got married. In 2005 we had a child together. It wasn't until 2008 when she first divulged her same-sex attractions. I will get to that in a minute, but first, here is some info about our relationship.
Sam and I got along great. We did everything together, worked at the same place (not in the same building, but for the same company) and we only ever had one vehicle for most of our relationship except for a small time period where we had two. We enjoyed doing most of the same things, and we never had a real fight in all the years together. I could probably count on one hand the amount of disagreements or arguments that we had. In the beginning of our relationship, our sex life was great. Over the years it tapered off but nothing unusual, or at least I didn't think it was unusual at the time. Looking back, I can remember that after the first four years or so, it was me that always initiated it. She also wasn't as involved, and to be honest, now that I have had a relationship with a straight woman (and sex also) I can definitely see that there was passion missing on her part. However, we were both each others first and only, so I had no idea that something was missing. I just figured that's what happened after a while in a long-term relationship/marriage. Even up until the end though, we had sex at least once nearly every week. So, unlike some of the others, it was not a sexless marriage. Sam was also more like "one of the guys" but I did not find that unusual. She liked to watch football, play pool, go bowling, play sports, etc. She never wore dresses (I can count on both hands the amount of times I saw her in a dress in the 12 years we were together, including our wedding), she never wore makeup, and she didn't really seem to care much about her appearance. She never really decorated the house at all so I pretty much hung all the pictures and decorations on the wall. I put pictures in frames and placed them around the house.
In 2008, after one of our family vacations, I noticed that she was acting a lot more withdrawn than usual. Whenever I asked what was wrong, she would say nothing, or I am just tired, or stress. She would make up some excuse, but I could definitely tell something was bothering her. One day after we took our child to his grandparents house, and headed out for some food, I decided to take a detour and I pulled into an empty parking lot and put the car into park. I told her that I knew something was wrong and I really wish that she would talk to me about it. I promised that I would be understanding and only wanted to help her. Several times she started to talk to me and stopped. She would stare out the car window up at the stars and finally with tears in her eyes she looked at me and said that she thought she might be gay. I was floored, but I immediately said something to the effect of, "Oh honie, that's OK. We can work through this." I hugged her and reassured her everything would be OK and after a while of sitting together in the car talking, we finished our errands and returned to the grandparents' house.
We talked a lot over the next few months, but she finally came to the decision that she wanted to stay and keep the family together. She told me that she was committed to our marriage, that she had not cheated on me and that she never would, and that I had nothing to worry about. She did not want to see a therapist (I tried to get her to go talk to one) and so I began working on our marriage and relationship. I read a ton of stuff about marriage building, and sharing as much of it with her as I could. We started going on date nights more often and doing things for just us. Fishing was something that she always loved to do, so I started taking her fishing, and then we started going with her dad fishing. We bought a boat so we could go out on our own. We bought a new vehicle that was capable of pulling the boat (before we bought the boat of course.) We took an extra family vacation the next year, and things started getting back to normal. Things were better in our marriage and relationship than they had been in a long time! That's how life passed between fall of 2008 and fall of 2010.
In mid 2009 I started using Facebook and shortly afterward Sam started using it too. We posted pictures and things, the usual stuff. We both got involved in some of the little Facebook games like Mafia Wars and Farmville. On Valentine's day of 2010 I bought Sam a brand new 17" laptop. We went all over looking at them until she found the one she liked the most, and we bought it. That night she posted on Facebook what I had done, and adding that I was the best hubby in the world. Early summer of 2010, I started playing a new interactive Facebook game that was very cool. It let you create groups with other players, and wage war on opposing factions. It had a global chat feature as well as a "whisper" feature (one-on-one chat with other players) and Sam and I loved this game. We played it quite often, and there were some nights we would both sit on the couch side-by-side playing the game and chatting with other people out in global chat. Then, Sam's attitude started changing perceptibly. She was withdrawn again and she was playing this new game a whole lot! She would be up playing it first thing in the morning before I was awake. Then when we got home from work she would get on it. When I would want to go out with our child to do something outside, she wouldn't want to go. I couldn't figure out why she was addicted to the game so much.
One day in late August we sent out child to the grandparents' house to stay, and I was watching TV in the living room. Sam was in the bedroom playing on the game. I went back to the bedroom and sat down beside her on the bed, and was greeted with a "Hey babe, what's up?" I will never forget those words. It was the usual greeting, and I found nothing amiss, so I responded accordingly and saw that she was playing the Facebook game, but I also noticed her Facebook chat was off. I mentioned it, and she said that her Facebook screwed up sometimes and turned her chat off. I thought this was a bit odd, but I was going to let it go, so I chatted another few seconds and got back up and started out of the bedroom. I had that feeling though...you know the one. So, I turned back around and went back into the bedroom, sat back down on the bed, and said, "Well then, turn it back on." What? she said. I said, "your Facebook chat, turn it back on." No, she replied. Why not? I asked. She didn't respond but just sat there staring at me. After a little bit of this I said, Sam, what in the hell is going on?
I am gay Damon! she said. I am miserable, and I can't live like this any longer. She turned off her computer and put it aside, rolled over, and pretended to go to sleep. She wouldn't talk to me, she wouldn't even look at me. No matter how I begged or pleaded for her to talk to me about it. The next morning she made breakfast, then packed her bags, and left for her mom's house. A lot happened over the next many months, but here is a summary.
She had met a lesbian from another country 6000 miles away on that Facebook game, and started an online relationship with her. On the laptop I bought her. For Valentine's day that very year.
She went to her mom's house that next morning, went and got a passport photo that afternoon, and got engaged to this lesbian that she had never met later that night. She applied for her passport two days later, on Monday.
She stopped having a lot to do with our child. She turned into a completely cold and heartless person. I would have to ask her to come over to see him, or take him around to where she was. Otherwise, she wasn't concerned with seeing him.
It has been fifteen months and we are divorced. I had to do everything of course because she was content leaving the country without doing anything at all. I just barely got the divorce papers for an uncontested divorce drafted and signed before she left. When we talked about custody, she didn't want any visitation at all. So, I have full custody of our child. She has gone over to that country and lived with her lesbian "fiance" for 6 months and then had to come back when her Visa ran out. She is back here now, but only until she can leave again and return. She has paid no child support and her interaction with our child is in the form of a phone call once or twice a week.
Well, this is my story! What's yours?
Damon
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teri
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Post by teri on Nov 15, 2011 12:59:50 GMT -5
Here is my story of living in a mixed-orientation marriage for 26+, and how I have made it “work” in my situation. I will call my husband Harry. We were married when I was 34 and he was 38 - the first marriage for us both (we are now 61 and 65). We had met ten years earlier at church and been friends. At that time he didn’t seem to be someone I wanted to date, but after 10 years of kissing frogs he was looking a lot better to me. He was nice, well-educated, clean-cut, and shared my religious beliefs. We had gone to the same college.
I had always wanted to be married to someone who shared my religious beliefs, so when he indicated an interest, we began a courtship and were married two years later. Harry was never sexually aggressive during our courtship, unlike other men I had known. I asked him several times if he was gay, which he denied. We had much in common and got along well, and after years of being an old maid I thought I had landed on my feet. After our marriage things went well except in the sex area. But in every other way he was practically a perfect husband and we were quite happy. Harry rarely initiated sex and actually seemed to try to find ways to avoid it as soon as returned from our honeymoon. The first year I chalked it up to “adjustment”. The second year I began to initiate sex and he was always available when called on. The third year I began to get insulted that he NEVER initiated sex – it just hurt my ego. After all I was pushing 40 by that time. After about seven or eight years, things between us began to change in ways I could not quite put my finger on. I continued trying to improve our sex life with little success, and it continued to go downhill. At some point he began to have difficulty sustaining an erection. Our doctor checked Harry’s testosterone level – no problem there.
Harry also began to eat lunch “at the park” and spend time at various places around town to “enjoy the view”. There were episodes of missing time, especially on nights when he went to visit his mother. When confronted about these episodes, he was always very defensive. He had never acted like this before. Earlier in our marriage we had always done everything together, gone everywhere together, shared everything. Now things were superficially the same but different on some level.
One day something odd arrived in the mail. It was a letter from a lawyer’s office offering legal services. I called the court and found that Harry had been charged with a misdemeanor related to some activities at a park. I called him at work and he initially denied it. Finally I said, “Do you absolutely deny that on such-and-such date you were charged with such-and-such by such-and-such court?” He finally had to confirm it, but said that it was a mix-up and had been dismissed. The incident had happened on a week night when I was out of town. He had gone to court without telling me, and it was his word vs. the authority who cited him. It was dismissed, and after six months he had his record expunged. That turned out to be a good thing. This is how I finally found out he was gay. One evening about 6:00 p.m., as I was expecting him home from work at any minute, Harry called and told me he was in jail. He immediately began telling me that he had been molested by a teenage neighbor when he was young, and since then he had sometimes desired “the touch of a man.”
That day he had been arrested on his lunch hour in the men’s restroom of a public park and charged with felony sexual battery, a very serious charge. While standing at a urinal he had reached over and stroked the butt of the man at the next urinal. The man turned out to be an undercover police officer on a sting operation, as this park had become a well-known gay pick-up area. The officer told Harry he had to arrest him because Harry had touched him without his consent. Harry cried all the way to jail and stupidly told the officer that this had happened before. (So much for the right to remain silent.)
After bailing him out, I told Harry that I did not care what he was but I did care what he did. He could not stay married to me and engage in this type of behavior. I was pretty calm - it was actually a relief to finally know what was going on.
We got a lawyer (the same one who had sent the form letter earlier). Harry was required to go to a counselor chosen by the court (BTW, he thought this counselor was a gay). We also went to other individual counselors, separately and together, whose religious beliefs were consistent with our own. I also was referred to a psychiatrist for anti-depressant medication. Our life became a revolving door of appointments. In between, Harry cried constantly.
Since Harry had stupidly admitted to authorities that this was his second charge of this type, they tried to throw the book at him when his court date came. But since he had gotten the first incident expunged, they could not prove it and again it was treated as a first offense. Six months later Harry was again able to get his record expunged. He was incredibly lucky, but instead of learning his lesson he just treated it as a license to continue. This man was so different from the man I had been married to! He was like a teenager – defiant and wanting his own way. He claimed he saw nothing wrong with what he was doing, although it did bother him that it hurt me – he had that much of a conscience. He began to talk about things that totally grossed me out, in ways that seemed completely alien and foreign to the man I had known. It was like a stranger inhabited his body. He wanted what he wanted - that was all that mattered to him. Unbelievably, not long after the legal problems were resolved, Harry informed me he could not assure me it wouldn’t happen again!
I was totally stunned. After MORE counseling, I gave Harry an ultimatum: 1) no homosexual activity of any kind, including the internet; 2) no lying; 3) stay in counseling with his Christian counselor - or he would be asked to move out. He said he would try.
Things seemed to go well enough for the next 18 months, but only because he had learned to hide his activities better. One day he came home from his counselor and said he had been dismissed. I didn’t know for a year that the counselor simply realized he was not interested in change. I also didn't know that just a month after my ultimatum, he started “seeing someone" on a regular basis. I never had a clue! But I had been counseled to remain on guard and was not really surprised when he revealed this just a week before Christmas. I told him he had to move out, which he did a month later. He lived in an apartment for six months, then we bought some duplexes where he has lived ever since. Living with the boyfriend was never an option, for reasons I found out much later, but they saw each very other regularly.
For some reason I never felt inclined to divorce. He has excellent group health insurance, which is a necessity for me. When we separated, he swore he would take care of me financially for the rest of my life. In spite of his many lies, this seemed like the truth, and it has been. Harry never wanted to separate. He wanted a wife, respectability at work and church, the comforts of hearth and home, and sex with men on the side. We were childless by choice.
For a while after the separation, it was almost like a honeymoon. We were so much closer because there were finally no more lies. But the “gross” side began to emerge. It was like he was a completely different person. Whenever we would talk about reconciliation, he would divulge horrible, vulgar, disgusting things, clearly designed to so revolt me that it would stop any further discussion. I don’t think he even realized he was doing this. For a while after he moved we remained close, and I tried to restore our marriage by seeking ways to “fix” him. But after six months I told him I no longer considered us husband and wife. I made him take EVERYTHING from my house. I took down our wedding pictures. I felt single and I was fine with it.
Time passed. The week of 9/11 we were together as he was doing some work on my house. During that terrible week I realized that I would be a lot happier if we could go back to being friends, as we had been before our marriage. It was not fast and it was not easy - let me emphasize that. But over a long period of time, through the deaths of our parents, working on our business, and other life events, we have changed our failed marriage into another kind of relationship.
It's not the marriage I wanted, but neither is it insignificant. Emotionally and financially, he has proven 100% faithful again and again. We are probably co-dependent in some ways - he needs me for public respectability and I need him for financial support, health insurance, and home maintenance. But it goes much deeper - we are best friends, see each other every day, maintain all our property and money in common, attend church, family events and take vacations together. We are there for each other.
Although he ended his homosexual relationship more than five years ago and claims to not to be involved in homosexuality anymore, he shows no interest in moving back in together. Sex is not even an issue between us. I think for me that the social, financial and emotional aspects of married life were more important than sexual intimacy. I did expect a normal sex life and tried to work on that LONG after we separated, but finally I just gave up. For some reason I have never really felt rejected in this area – I always felt that it was his problem, not mine. Recently Harry revealed that his former lover was in a long-time homosexual relationship with a well-known man in our community who is married and completely in the closet. Harry was only a side item on the menu, and I think he eventually tired of just being used. I also think fear of the unknown potential crazies out there, combined with his age, kept him from looking around again. But he is absolutely, positively still 100% a homosexual.
We are doing pretty well these days. After I went on SSN in January and saw how terrible most men are when they come out, my attitude toward Harry actually improved. I think he sensed this and has become more kind and loving toward me. This year he seems to be much like the man I married, whose first concern was always for me and my needs. He is about to retire, and amazingly we may almost have the later years life I planned so long ago. Teri
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Post by rhobot on Nov 20, 2011 16:23:26 GMT -5
Also posted at www.voy.com/86426/40174.htmlI hope cursing a bit is OK. This is the Reader’s Digest condensed version. There is so much more, but I have much work to do today. Here goes. This is a tale woe begins in November of 1999. I catch my ex-SO (who I shall refer to as JR) of 15 years having an online affair with this Canadian twat. I ask him to stop and JR refused, asserting that he was doing nothing wrong. This broke my heart and probably made me a little crazy because JR was my soul-twin and I loved him as I have never loved anyone before or since. By the way, I had been the breadwinner of the family for several years. JR was laid off from a fairly well-paying IT industry job and dragged his feet getting another job because he resented taking a pay cut. Thanksgiving 1999, I put on my customary huge T-day feast for friends and family. I told them nothing of the BS with JR because I don’t want to spoil their holiday. We continue to live in the same home (aka armed camp) until January 2000. Did I mention that I am a software engineer? This was a very stressful and busy time as me and thousands of others of my kind were making fast and furious Y2K remediation, by I digress. Anyway, I moved out in January 2000. I had to file a chapter 13 bankruptcy (the kind where you pay debts off) due to the debt incurred by JR and myself that he refused to help with. I had to do this to set my credit straight. Mid January 2000, I began dating my current husband who I shall refer to as PT. We dated for quite some time before we married as we were both recovering from a split. I had alarm bells going off and questioned him but he always denied being gay, so I chalked them up to issues related to his bipolar disorder. Yeah, he had that and it wasn’t easy. Also not easy was the fact that his daughter from his previous marriage was a rude, spoiled brat. Also not easy was the fact that his crazy old bat (possible NPD/Bipolar) mother was abusing his Alzheimer afflicted father until he was put in a home. Also, not easy was the fact that his financial situation was a mess that needed cleaning up. I should have run the other way, but I am a fixer, lol. My older sister died of HIV on Thanksgiving Day 2002. PT and I married in January 2003. In many ways, I feel that I married him because 1) he was constantly asking and 2) I did not want to grow old alone. I loved him, but honestly I think my capacity for an overwhelming love was killed by the JR thing. Many red flags/alarm bells went off over the years. Many time I questioned PT and always he insisted that he was straight. I had found the browser on my laptop open to gay porn once and he claimed it was a pop-up and never would come clean. These years have been hard: the bipolar disorder and all the associated crap, the child from a previous marriage that I have helped support even though she is awful, the financial hardships, the crap with his parents, his multiple hospitalizations and resulting medical bills, my having to work at a job I hate because he is now on disability for bipolar AND Parkinson’s, his constant jealousies and general asshole-ish-ness …I could go on and on. Finally in October of this year, I installed some software on his laptop to catch him. It’s excellent software and I would share its name, but I am unsure of the rules of this forum. Also, during this same time, his mom breaks her hip, requiring surgery and a lengthy stray in rehab. Anyway, I monitored his computer use for 2 weeks and gathered all my intel and confronted him with it. At first he denied it, but finally admitted struggling with SSA his whole. He claims not to have had any physical contact. I suppose I need to go in and get an HIV test soon. We are living in the same home and I will probably try to refinance it in my name. There is so much going on right now and money is tight so were gonna live together until things calm down. So now it’s November 2011. His mother (the one that was abusive to his now deceased father that had Alzheimer’s disease) will be getting out of rehab on Wednesday; the day before Thanksgiving. I have a Thanksgiving feast planned and nobody in my family knows my pain…yet again. Only PT, his ex-wife, his gay cousin and I know. I don’t hate PT, but as I have said, these have been some hard years. Very Hard.
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Post by Damon on Nov 21, 2011 1:57:17 GMT -5
Welcome rhobot, and thank you for sharing your story with us. Also, sharing any kinds of tips or tricks that you may have at your disposal that you believe will help others that are in a similar situation (for instance, the software that you mentioned) are just fine. I recall several years ago sharing similar information on the SSN board, on how to recover browsing history that had been cleared. As much as I believe personal privacy should be honored, I also feel that those of us that are entrenched in these nightmarish scenarios have a right to know the truth. I certainly recommend that you go in for an HIV test. More often than not, the stories that bare similarity to yours eventually lead to a discovery of physical contact, so it is a good idea to err on the side of caution.
Welcome to the board. I hope that you will find some friendship and peace here.
Damon
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Post by chrostor on Jan 23, 2012 11:36:50 GMT -5
Your story sounds remarkably like mine Damon, and I feel for your situation. After reading some of what has been posted, I have decided to share my story as well, especially since the experience I just had last night.
My fiancee (Lets call her Jan) and I met in High School. We were in the same english class and she sat directly in front of me. Although I had passing interest in her, I never really gave it another thought until she offered my rides home. Long story short, we decided to get together and spent the rest of that year going out on dates, hanging out, etc.., but never had sex. She said she wanted to wait till the right time, and I respected her wishes. Shortly after graduation, I joined the Navy. Right before my birthday that year, she called me and broke the news that she needed to break up. I was very hurt, but we hadn't been together that long so I figured it was normal. About 3 years later, I got a call from her out of the blue, just "seeing how I was doing". She told me she hadn't had a boyfriend in that whole time which I figured meant she was thinking about me. Why else would she have called and told me that? Shortly after I got out of the Navy, we got back together. I started college on the GI Bill and we moved in together a year later. We lived together for 7 years so far. In almost that entire time, we never had major problems with our relationship despite constant financial and stress related issues outside the home. We did everything together and always enjoyed each others company. Until about a year ago. One night we were laying in bed, just talking. I forget what the basis of the conversation was, but for some reason she felt the need to share some distressing news about her past. She revealed to me that she had been molested as a child by her Uncle, who had since died. I was stunned and did not know what to say, but after talking about it for a bit, I felt like she had gotten over the event and was telling me because she felt safe with me. As if I could somehow help her overcome the emotional distress of the event. After a few weeks, I all but put the information out of my head. She seemed OK emotionally and sexually, so I didn't feel I needed to bring it up again or concern myself with that aspect of her past. Then the subject came up again more recently, and she said she had started having problems with performing some sexual acts that reminded her of the abuse, namely performing fellatio. I was very understanding and told her she did not have to do anything she was not comfortable with, and I meant it. Then she hit me with the big bomb. She came out to me about three months ago as feeling like she might be Bi-sexual and was having constant and powerful thoughts about women, but not men. At first, I chalked this up to the abuse. I had done a lot of reading on the subject and knew that aversion to the opposite sex can stem from it. I suggested she find some resources that could help her deal with her feelings. Shortly after the initial bomb, she hit me again. She told me she wanted to experience gay sex with a woman and that she would rather not I be involved. At first, I tried to make myself OK with the idea, but many emotional swings and suicidal thoughts later, I decided I was not. I told her that I accepted how she felt about women, but going to see another woman was tantamount to cheating, with or without my permission. As a compromise, I told her if she really wanted to have an experience, we could try a threesome where at least the act would include us both. She was initially very upset about it, but later that night decided it was the most fair way to go. Since that night, she has become more and more withdrawn. She says that she has not felt sexually attracted to me since before Christmas and each time we have had sex since then she was very mechanical. I could tell she had little or no passion for me. As an additional caveat, she has been struggling to decide if she wants to stay in a relationship with me or not. At this point, although we are not married, our finances and property are all entangled as if we were. For us to separate would require a great deal of arrangement. All the same, I feel her every day leaning more and more toward separating. Our current situation is this. We have found a woman that is interested in participating in a three way, but Jan wants to get to know her first as a friend before doing anything, therefore she has yet to have her "experience" to work from in determining her orientation. As time has progressed, she has felt more and more "gay" and less Bi. She has told me she is having a hard time wanting a man at all. This hits me the hardest because I don't know what to make of our 7 years now. How could she possibly be feeling completely unattracted to men and been the way she was for so long? She did see a counselor, but we could only afford the three free sessions given through my association with work, and she has yet to find the motivation to go to any of the groups the counselor recommended she go to. I have spoken to her about all of this, everything I have posted, I keep nothing from her about my feelings. So communication is there, but it seems that her desires and drive are overriding her feelings for me. She has expressed that she still loves me and doesn't want to lose our relationship or my friendship. She tells me she has such a hard time deciding about us because she doesn't want to make the wrong decision and lose me because of it. Unfortunately, I feel her indecision driving me away and I don't know if I have the strength to keep fighting. I love her so much and am willing to give her everything, but I feel like all my effort and pain are being poured into a bottomless well. As if everything I am going through will be for naught and I am causing myself constant pain and heartache on the unsupported hope that our life together will become happy again. I have told her my feelings and plainly asked her why she wants me to stay. What does she get from our relationship? Does she want me to leave? To say its over? No, she wants me to stay. Why? Because I give her emotional support. Because the fight I put up every day to ignore our problems and pretend we have a normal life must somehow give her some piece of happiness, however short-lived. I feel like I am the only one fighting to keep us together, and I have no legs to stand on. When my efforts are met with withdrawn emotions and lack of attraction, how can I feel like things are going to work out? This is the conflict I wrestle with on a daily basis, and all for love. For the past couple weeks, after a big conversation, things got a little better. I felt our friendship improving. She has been making the effort to stay connected, on a personal level at least. All the while I continue to notice her separation from me on certain levels. She does not show small tokens of affection such as holding hands, touching, or kissing outside of "expected" times (coming home, before sleep, etc...). She still likes to cuddle at night, but feel like it is more for comforting that closeness. The straw I feel may have broken my back fell last night. As we lay down for bed, Jan began to write in her journal, one of the few activities prescribed by the counselor that she has actually been adhering to. At the same time, I was playing with her phone, which she knew I was doing. I logged on to her facebook and checked out a few of the posts, then I happened across a message she had sent to her lesbian friend in the town we used to live in (we just moved 7 months ago). She had told me on a few occasions that she would like to go down and visit this friend for a few days and hang out with her and her dogs, enjoying the area around there. She had also told me before that this woman was one of the focal points of her attraction to women and Jan found her extremely hot. With this information in mind, I am considerably uncomfortable with her taking a trip down there, and I think the message I read provides justification for this. On the 31st of December, a night I happen to know Jan was steaming drunk, she messaged her lesbian friend on facebook that "It is going to be a hard new year. She just wants to F*^% a woman and see where it goes from there." Not only does this slap in the face of our agreement, but she messaged the very person, who just happens to be recently single and lesbian, that she is so obsessed with going down to "visit" for a few days. I was instantly floored. I told her that I was messing with her facebook and found the message, to which she expressed surprise and apprehension. I had to get out of bed and sit in the living room for a while because I just couldn't stand to even look at her I was so upset. She came out a little later, to check on me I suppose, and perhaps talk about it, but I was in no shape to have a good talk at that point. I just walked past her and got into bed. I didn't say a word last night after that, and did not stop to give her my customary goodbye this morning. At this point, I really feel like I am done. I don't know what else to do. I can have all the powerful feelings for her in the world, but if she doesn't return them, it just feels like I am breaking my heart all day, every day. I want so desperately for us to be together that I am willing to fight with everything I have, every fiber of my being, till I exhaust my reserves and collapse from exertion. But I am given no platform from which to fight. No support on which to build. No hope to cling to. As I write this, my anger has burned down to despair, and I feel a great and widening gap being rent in whatever part of the soul feels happiness and love. I fear the longer I stay this course with such devastating results, the harder it will be for me to allow another person into my heart in the future. Thank you anyone who takes the time to read this post in its entirety and is willing to provide advice or support.
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jonny
New Member
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Post by jonny on Jan 23, 2012 16:41:38 GMT -5
Mate, that's a hell of a thing to get handed by your wife. If she's gay, there's nothing either one of you can do to change that - it's the way she is. If she's choosing to hide shit from you, lie about her attachment to this lesbian friend, and generally walk all over you, that's different - NOTHING makes her do that. It's a choice. Don't accept it. Tell her that you are finished trying to fix things if that is how she chooses to be. If she gives a damn, she'll fight for it. If she doesn't, you know that you can't spend your entire life taking the slack for her, and making all the effort that she can't be bothered with while she talks to other women about what she wants to do with them - or actually goes and does it. There's another great resource online with people far smarter and more sensible than me who will be there for you if you want them to be., The URL is www.voy.com/86426/
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Post by chrostor on Jan 23, 2012 22:28:02 GMT -5
Thanks Jonny, I actually posted on that board right after posting on this one. I got a lot of good replies. I also sincerely appreciate your advice. I just wish it was that easy to just say goodbye and be done with it. I have put so much emotional investment into what we have, both before and after the "big bomb", that its very hard to walk away from, even if just in the spirit of the motion. I did have a talk with her today after work, and we are basically in a new situation now. We don't have much choice but to live together, funds and such being as they are, so we will continue to be roommates, friends with benefits, whatever, till such a time comes as we can go our separate ways or we decide to renew what we had. I don't know how that's going to work out, but I feel its my best option right now.
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Post by A on Mar 21, 2012 9:44:43 GMT -5
Hi Damon, As you know my anonimity has been comprimised on SSN and have to post using different aliases, I have also been limited as to what personal experiences I can post for fear of losing my aliases, but I think sharing my story would be very therapuetic, seeing how the gaslighting has been going on for years and I often question my own memories and suspicions.... I met my hb when I was 14, he was 15, and we hit it off as friends right away. Throughout high school we spent almost all of our time together. Our relationship soon grew into a physical one where I gave him my virginity. He said all the right things to make me feel wanted and loved, which was something I desperately needed coming from a highly disfunctional home life, I could go on and on, and it seemed completely normal that at times he was emotional, physically and verbally abusive. His promiscuous behavior and the lies that went along with it were very hurtful and on many occasions I would demand that he leave my life. But he always begged me for forgiveness and went above and beyond to kiss my ass to take him back, which in some sick way felt wonderful to me, so naturally I did. He joined the Navy after school and quickly decided that we should get married and move states away. Of course I agreed, things couldn't be much worse than the living situation I had grown up in. We spent the next ten years of our marriage much like our dating relationship, briefly I'll tell you some of the highlights of what I dealt with, keeping in mind that everything was handled with tons of gaslighting....many nights spent partying, not coming home til morning, accusations of rape against hb, found condoms in his pocket, found phone communications between him and other women, transmitted crabs, suffered physical violence reguardless of whether I was pregnant or not and to finish our 10th year and 3 children later, found concrete evidence of a full on affair. I had finally matured enough and felt secure enough through the love of my children, who up to this point had been raised almost entirely by me, that I left. I moved into a temporary living situation and found it increasing difficult to keep a sense of normalcy for my kids' sake. After alot of discussion and many months I agreed to give our family another chance on the condition that things were going to drastically change and that any evidence of infidelity I would be out the door and never come back again. In alot of ways things did start to change, and I immursed myself into raising the best, most respectful, kind, talented children I knew...they were in every activity imaginable and this meant that little time was spent paying attention to what hb was doing outside of the family. I took care of everything in and around the house, he simply had to go to work and I treated him like a king in his home. As the years ticked on I started noticing holes in his stories of where he would be and amounts of time that didn't add up to the activites of what he was doing. There would still be nights where he stayed out into the wee hours of the morning and little explainations due to what he would call blackouts and loss of memory. I tried not to put too much energy into figuring it out because all I could ever find was evidence of male occompanyments, until I noticed a strange number on his cel records, one that had an enormous amount of activity associated with it.. I soon found out that it was the number of a single mom who rented one of our properties a few towns away. Right away I wanted to know what was going on, he said it was strictly business related to the property, she said the same but added that he was a friend. Being that the phone calls occured when he was not home and sometimes at late night, I accused of an affair, even though I found it hard to believe because she was very homely(just being honest) and moved into another rental property. By this time my kids were teenagers and did not go with me considering their schooling and their firmly planted roots at home...needless to say I didn't stay away long, I figured I could cohabitate with him long enough to see the kids off to college then leave. Fast forward a year and a half and the same issues were back, even the repeated phone calls to the same girl! Here comes the best part, I lay back and watch his behavior very closely, so so secretive, I go to the womans'(mine) house and demand to know what is going on....after a lengthy discussion of how he calls her(verified by phone records) and how she doesn't want involved, she says, "did you ever think maybe he was gay?"...What?, why would you say such a thing?...she says "he has been spending alot of time with a guy he works with named P that makes me suspicious"...never heard of a guy named P. When he gets home that night I confronted him about the reoccuring phone calls, he denies anything of course, I asked him about the P guy, he says P who, I say, the girl said you have been gonig out with a guy named P, he says, oh yeah we have had a few beers after work. I asked him if he was gay and he looked socked, said no then after a little more arguing he got in his truck and left for 4 days, found out later he drove to see a Navy buddy 6 states away. I started looking everywhere I could for answers, found an all tranny porn site in computer history, found a locked cel picture of tranny on old phone, found confesssions in a questionaire involved in a recovery program he was forced to go to after failing 2 drug tests at work; stating he had extreme difficulty in telling the truth and feeling sexual intimacy with me. I confronted him again about tgt almost a year later with the clues I had found, he became very depressed and asked that we not bring this up again, said he has made mistakes, does not intend to do them again and wants to move on. Through a year of therapy I have been able to collectively come to the conclusion that he is in deep denial of gay attractions. He has tried to prove to me he is not gay by taking a lie detector test, which he failed. I have learned through all of this that I cannot make him come out of his denial, it is completely up to him and to waste any more years of my life wishing he is the man I always wanted him to be is just not going to happen. I am in the process of divorce and he is also in denial of that, hanging around the house sure he can gaslight me into staying. With our history together I am afraid of what might happen in the future, I'm sure that he is not mentally stable, especially after a comment he made the other night when there was a gay man acting a fool on tv, he said with all seriousness, I hate faggots. I am trying my best to keep my head down, prepare for the days to come and pray for me and my childrens' safety. One day I will not be living in this hell and hopefully be able to help someone else who is journeying through this.
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Post by Damon on Mar 22, 2012 8:56:41 GMT -5
A, it seems as if the gay part of this equation is really mild compared to some of the other behavior that your husband has engaged in. Trust and honesty are the foundation upon which any solid relationship is built, and it seems that you have had neither for the duration of your marriage.
I want you to take a moment and imagine that your best friend or close sibling has called you on the phone and desperately needs advice. They proceed to tell you the same story that you just told us; about how their spouse was physically and emotionally abusive, cheated on them numerous times, had accusations of rape against him/her, etc. I won't repeat all the things that you listed in your post, because you know the story much better than I. But just imagine that this is the story that they tell you, and then ask for your advice on what to do. What advice would you give your best friend? What advice would you give your brother or sister? I don't think that the gay aspect of this merits near as much concern as the rest of the story.
Thank you for sharing your story, and welcome to the board.
Damon
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Post by keymaster on Sept 13, 2012 20:07:19 GMT -5
Damon, I found this and it opened my eyes to help. Thank you.
My story in a nutshell:
Married for 10 years. 3 kids (7,4,2). My wife has shown no lesbianism from what I recall. She was kissed by a lesbian on a work trip and ever since she has been "turning to the other side". 3 months later she has basically told me that she is not attracted to me and she wants to be with a woman. There is so much in between those 3 months, but that is basically it.
We are ready to divorce. Mutual. The issues I am having trouble with are with the kids and money. If it werent for the kids I could simply make a clean break and forget about her and move on. But I cant. She is here forever. She has this fantasy of wanting to maintain a best friend friendship, where we still hang as a family, and hang out with mutual friends. However I just dont see it and in fact dont want it. I feel the best thing for me is to just cut all ties except for the kids. I dont want to know about her personal life and she need not know about mine. I feel conversations should be about the kids and moving forth.
What should I do? Maintain a best friend type relationship? Or cut all personal ties? I feel I need closure and wont get that if she is still my close friend.
The other issue is the money. We have little money for me to move out right now. This angers me the most since the house is my dream house. I am the one who cant afford to live here and will likely have to get an apartment (2 bedroom). Seems like such crap for me to take my kids to a hole when I get them. So not fair. This is where my anger lies more so than with her maintianing an emotional long distance relationship with this woman.
To top it off, I still feel she is not a lesbian as she says. She has always been one to follow the trends. I feel this is just another escape for her to draw attention to her. She's never showed any sign of lesbianism to me since the kiss. I'll never believe it.
I have been threw the hell of emotions. Up and down. On and off. Rage and support. Denial and acceptance. I have basically accepted my life has changed, but need to know how to move forward from now. More so on what kind fo relationship to maintain with her. Like I said, her fantasy dream world has us going on family vacations still; and at some point bringing the significant others. But I just dont see that happening.
Can anyone Help? What do I do from here?
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Post by claysmoker on Jun 1, 2016 22:42:27 GMT -5
In early Decemeber of 2015, my ex-GW and I involved ourselves in 3.5 hours of non-stop conjugal relations and in the immediate afterglow of this conjugal activity, she advised me that she had to "onjure up the image of a woman in order to get aroused and get off."
Obviously, my ex-GW opined, this meant that she was Bisexual.
That wasn't so obvious to me. I countered that if she really were bisexual, having a naked man doing what I had just done with her should have been as arousing as the conjured up mental image of a woman. Silly me... I apparently didn't understand how bisexuality worked.
My ex-GW went on to opine that since she was obviously bisexual, she obviously needed an extra-marital female lust interest. She asked how I would feel if she went out and found one.
I asked her what was prompting the question.
Instead of asking me if I had been listening to her, she said she had been trolling an Internet dating site looking for a same-gender lust interest. She went on to say that she had recently found a potential lust partner on that site and thought they were close to having their first initial "face to face in a neutral, safe place" meeting. I responded by saying that I had no objection to her meeting another woman for a lunch date, but didn't view bisexuality as an excuse for marital infidelity.
My ex-GW had her lunch date with her new-found female lust interest.
On December 21st of 2015, as I was headed out of our front door on my way to work, I asked my ex-GW if she could be on the lookout for a parcel that I was expecting from Amazon.com. She said that she had no plans of going anywhere and would be on the lookout for the parcel. I thanked her, adding that the contents shouldn't be left out in the weather and were her Christmas gift from me.
Later that evening, I got notification that the parcel had been delivered. I called my home to verify this. My son answered and said that my ex-GW had left shortly after I did, adding that she was going to "Town M" about 20 miles from the town we live in, and that he and his sister were to fend for themselves for dinner.
I sent my ex-GW a text, asking where she was. She replied that she was in "Town L" some 40 miles from the town we lived in and 60 miles from where she told our children she would be. I asked her to call me. She sent a reply saying she didn't want to talk right now. I sent her one back saying not talking right now was not an option.
In phone conversation, she said she was "despondent and didn't want to take things out on the kids" so she decided to take a little drive (even though she hates driving) and was in "Town L." She thought she would be okay and would be home around 9:00 PM.
When I returned home from work at 2:30 AM on the 22nd of Decemeber, my ex-GW was waiting up for me in the living room. She had a confession to make. She had gone to ber same-gender lust-interests house in "Town V" 80 miles from our home to have a lasagna dinner with the lust interest AND the lust interest's husband. I told her that I believed a partial truth was a whole lie; that I believed that she had gone to her lust-interest's home; that she did have a lasagna dinner with the lust interest and her husband; but I did not believe she lied to her children as to her whereabouts and to me as to her emotional state and whereabouts, and make a 160 mile round trip, all for the sake of dinner. I told her I thought she went there in hopes that something sexual would happen between her and the lust interest or to "play unicorn" for the lust interest and her husband. She denied any intent to "play unicorn" but admitted that she really went to "Town V" to get laid by the new lust-interest. She said nothing happened between them because I had caught her in her lies and she left sooner than planned.
My Christmas Holiday was an emotional roller-coaster ride; with her doing most of the riding. I had wanted out of my marriage for a long time, and she just handed me an excellent means of getting out of it on a metaphorical silver platter with her attempt at adultery. Later on the morning of the 22nd, she aske me if I wanted a divorce. I said yes. She asked me when. I said "the day before yesterday" but pointed out that if I got what I wanted, she would very likely not be completing her degree on time, if ever, and her educational and career goals would likely go up in smoke. I also pointed out that she depends on the medical insurance benefits from my employer to manage her epilepsy and Lupus conditions, among others, and she wouldn't likely be able to find a new home, a new job with benefits, and so on in the three months that would transpire between filing for divorce and a decree being issued by the court. With all of this being the case, I told her I would postpone action on divorce until she completed her degree and landed a job corelative to her major field of study.
She sought theraputic counsel through the university she attends. The counselor she sees individual suggested that we needed to do couple's therapy. I agreed to go, not because I expected the salvation of my marriage as an end result, but more out of curiosity regarding the overall experience. I minored in psychology in college and thus am a sucker for this kind of thing, at least as far as general interest goes. At our fifth session, our couple's therapy counselor started off by asking me what I thought my ex-GW and I should do next and I said that I thought we needed to face reality and get a divorce; that I thought she was a repressed lesbian in spite of her insistence of being "bi" and that she could never break her cycle of guilt and depression if she tried to stay married to me. Our counselor agreed with that assessment but suggested that I should seek individual counsel of my own.
During our last couple's therapy session, my ex-GW seemed hung up on the notion that I might be lonely, post-divorce, and have a hard time hooking up with other people. I assured the ex-GW that if I had the freedom to pursue the matter, I could land a steady girlfriend in three months or less, thus giving her no reason to concern herself. Our counselor thought that was a splendid idea, which surprised me. It took me two months.
I was married to my ex-GW for 18 years and my last relationship prior to her was 20 years ago. My heterosexual girlfriend is a much better partner than my ex-GW ever was. Where my ex-GF seemed to lack ordinary empathy for me and was prone to impulsive, unilateral decision-making, my heterosexual girfriend is not. She's the polar opposite. She would move heaven and earth for me if she could and she thought that doing so would please me and my affections for her are likewise. She's more compassionate toward my children than their own mother ever was; my ex-GW could have children as a biological exercise but never really wanted them and the two she had by me were accidents of failed contraception. My heterosexual GF always wanted to have children of her own but gave up after a series of miscarriages. My ex-GW was affectionate when she wanted affection from me; not when she thought I might want some, or just because. My heterosexual GF is highly affectionate toward me and my children always. The difference is night and day, and it is a refreshing one.
That's my story. If it has a moral, it is that there is heterosexual happiness at the end of the "straight-spouse married to a gay or lesbian" tunnel.
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Kel
New Member
Through the fire, now helping others reach the other side.
Posts: 3
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Post by Kel on Jun 16, 2016 10:29:34 GMT -5
Married in Nov. of '96 after finding out 3 months earlier that we were pregnant - after just 3 months of dating. I never thought he was Mr. Right - maybe more like "Mr. Right Now", but I was having a fun summer with someone who for once seemed to like me for me - not what I was about physically. I felt.... whole. Had our baby boy 6 months after the wedding, and life spun along at a busy pace with both of us working full time. Had a second son nearly 4 years later (I was perfectly content just with the one child, but my then husband told me that he "didn't get married to have only one child", and that he would divorce me if I didn't give him more children. I wasn't opposed to having more, and I felt since he felt so strongly about it, I'd give in.) We followed up that child by a daughter 2 years later. My ex wanted another two children, but I was done.
Our marriage was riddled with issues - most notably the fact that he had continual issues holding a job. And then there was the fact that he wasn't a grown-up. We had our first child when I was almost 27 and he was just 24. It's not exactly 16, but it may as well have been. My ex was never "raised". He'd suffered a horrific childhood in a 3rd world country before being adopted sight-unseen to the U.S. at around age 7. In Columbia, he suffered through guerilla warfare, getting shot in the street along with his two brothers, and watching them die in front of him. He wound up in the hospital where he went unclaimed for a long time, and they eventually moved him into a broom closet and had the nurses and doctors visit him for oral sex. From there he wound up in an orphanage where the gardener took a particularly sick interest in him. After being given back up by the family in the U.S. who adopted him, he wound up in foster care with the woman who would eventually adopt him. She was ultra codependent and coddled him to try to make up for his past. Admirable, in a way. But it left him ill-prepared for his future. She would call him every night from her teaching job to ask what he'd like for dinner that night. Then she'd stop on the way home and pick up the ingredients and begin cooking for him. They watched whatever HE wanted on TV. He went to school when he wanted - and stayed home whenever he didn't feel up to it. There were no rules - no bedtime, no curfew, no boundaries. He came to me like this, and as a mother with children, I could not let him live as the center of the universe. He resented me for it, and I hated that I had to parent him and make up for the constant laxity on his part.
But the biggest challenge in our marriage by far was the lack of intimacy. Not just sexual, but in every single way. He would hold hands with me in public - often. As if making a show of it. But in private, he didn't even like me too close to him in bed. There was no initiation on his part when it came to sex, and plenty of rejection toward my advances. Our sex was devoid of passion - seemingly disconnected. But as you can imagine, I gave him a pass - who wouldn't be screwed up after all that abuse as a child? I was patient. But he somehow slowly reversed the engines over time and got to the point where he wouldn't even touch me below the waist - even with his hands. If I pushed his hand to where I wanted it or asked him to touch me somewhere specific, he'd stop and get pouty and tell say, "Why can't you just be happy with what I do to you? I don't want to be told how to touch you - I want you to like the way I touch you." And I'd pull back - because I was barely getting what I wanted anyway - why risk getting no touch at all? I jumped at every opportunity for sex - never knowing when the opportunity would arise again. It was only years later that I realized that this was exactly what he wanted; he only had to have sex when HE felt like it. Because he was going to get it then, most assuradely. Why bother doing it any other time? With three young kids at home, I didn't even notice the lack of sex for a long time - we were tired and it was normal to have no desire to be touched after a long day of being tugged and pulled at. So for 5-6 years, I didn't complain much. Then for the next 10, I blew up every six months or so about the issue. Then it'd be back to being patient and not getting an inch of progress.
Along the way, we had a few incidents where the gay thing seemed to crop up. Once very early on in the marriage, my sister took my husband out dancing with her and her gay friend. The next day I was told that he got very drunk and was dirty dancing with every gay man in the club that he could - trying to kiss them all. My husband told me that he didn't remember the night before very well, and that my sister was just angry with him over some disagreement earlier in the evening over where they should park. I did believe my sister, but I concentrated on the fact that nothing eventually happened. And our life moved on. There was another such incident that I can't remember well right now, but it was much the same - drinking and odd behavior. Then at one point when my dd was 1, I went on the computer one day and found a Yahoo match for my dh - it was gay matches for men in the area. I was shocked and livid. I confronted him the next morning and we had a conversation about how he was having dreams about his past, but instead of being scared, he was excited. So he thought he'd try to figure out if he was gay. This throwback into old dreams was brought on by our oldest son having been molested 6 months earlier, so the conversation quickly twisted into that horrific incident and we got derailed. But he did admit to me at that time that he wasn't in love with me. He loved me as his friend and the mother of his children, and as a person. But he wasn't IN love with me. And he didn't know what to do about it. I told him I did - we should divorce. He panicked - he couldn't imagine a life where he couldn't see his children every day. I was angry though - here I was, begging for sex, and him telling me that that he's just not that into sex. And then I find that he's actively searching for sex with others??? He wanted to try to salvage the marriage, so we visited a pastor and then a counselor, and for a bit, things got better. Mostly because the counselor told him outright that him not wanting to touch me on my private parts was not normal or acceptable. For a time, it helped. Then we were right back to where we were, slugging along in life. It must be noted that at the time of me finding the email matches, he insisted that it was his very first match, and that he'd never met or talked to another man. I believed him - mostly because I could see that the account had just been created the week before, but also because he was home all the time. He never went anywhere, had no friends, and didn't seem to want to be anywhere but at home on the couch, watching tv.
Years go by. The youngest is now 7, and we've been married for something like 14 years. I've lost weight, grown out my hair, changed how I dressed, started wearing sexy lingerie and even shaving my privates. He doesn't notice - or care. Everyone else is suddenly paying attention to me, though. Especially after I got a tummy tuck and a breast reduction and lift. He wouldn't even glance at me, but men would come up to me on the street and talk to me - asking for my number, calling me to go out. These men were all over the map - young, old, black, white, even fit and attractive with abs of steel. I'd never had so much attention before in my life, and it woke me up to the fact that maybe the problem wasn't me. And maybe I wouldn't be stuck without a man if I did leave. I was so torn, though. I felt guilty for thinking about leaving a man who'd been through so much. And I felt terrified about breaking up my young family. So I'd stuff those feelings deep down inside - not unlike pushing more batting into a pillow - and continued to carry on as if life were fine. Then, one day I reconnected on Facebook with the man who was my first kiss in H.S., but that nothing ever came of it. I was confused at the time as to why nothing happened, but he explained to me that he met my bodybuilding brother at a party soon after, and was scared that he'd get beat up if he asked me out. So he veered off into another direction while I did the same. And here I thought I was just a bad kisser or something. I met up with J twice. We kissed the first time, and my world split in two. I knew I'd been missing a lot physically, but I didn't realize just HOW much until that moment. Suddenly I felt that spark again, and it made all the difference. J and I fell in love quickly, and then he panicked and did an about face when he realized he wasn't willing to break up his marriage or leave his children. I was in so much pain. This all happened in about one month. One day I came home and the words I never thought would leave my lips did - "I can't do this anymore". I'd tried to push more batting down into the pillow and all the seams popped. That was just.... it. I was done. After all the years of telling my ex that he was going to lose me to divorce or cheating, the warnings came true. He was starving me and I had stolen a loaf of bread.
He tried so hard to fight the divorce. Suddenly he was attentive and wanting to spend tons of time with me, and wanted to help me off with my clothes at the end of the day and massage me. I was angry, though - here all these years I was telling you want I wanted, and you KNEW I was unhappy, and you were FINE with my unhappiness? But the moment it affected YOUR happiness it became important? So you didn't care if I was unhappy - only if YOU were unhappy. It was insulting. We tried counseling and the counselor only saw us for a few sessions before he did what every other counselor before him had done - told dh that he needed counseling for his issues, which were clearly at the root of our intimacy issues. This time, dh did it. That's how he walked through the pain of his past and came to realize that he was gay. Or how he found the strength to face that truth, anyway. He still didn't have the strength to tell ME, though. I learned from my brother-in-law that my husband had admitted to him 8 months earlier that he was gay. And I came home and told my husband that I knew. He still wouldn't admit it. I told him that I KNEW - and that I'd asked him about it before, and I'd known for a long time something was wrong. And that it would be a relief to me if he'd just tell me. And so he admitted it. We agreed that day to divorce. For his happiness as much as mine. It took another two years for him to move out. He was finishing school at the time, and then had to go find a job and establish himself and work on storing up the money needed to move out. Meanwhile, his mother was living with us and was going through chemo and radiation for breast cancer. It was a messy time, and it was very difficult to live together in the same house once we were done. We began discreetly dating others. Only our kids didn't know yet that we were divorcing. We told them about 2 weeks before my ex moved out. My MIL stayed with me for another year or so.
After he left I FINALLY felt like I could move forward. But he had his mom spying on me, for some reason. He'd have her text what time I was coming home, when I'd go out, the works. He told my family that I was cheating on him, and that I was out 5 days a week. Nothing was further from the truth. I only went out once the kids were in bed and my MIL was always there. Finally my MIL admitted that she didn't like the position she was in, and quit being a spy. Things were tense after that. Then I met a wonderful man just a few months later. We fell in love very quickly. He moved in and MIL moved out on the same day. A year later he asked me to marry him, and we were married just a few months after that. That was three years ago next month, and I've never been happier.
My kids go visit with their dad on every-other-weekend, along with his boyfriend of a few years now. The kids love "R" and consider him family. Hell, Iiii like the guy. He's ME, but with a penis. Dh just got the wrong sex the first time. Life is only challenging because of step-parenting issues like how to discipline each others' kids, etc. And we could stand to win the lotto one of these days. I also have a mentally unbalanced 19 year-old who has been out of the house for a year now. He likes to call and guilt me for not loving him, but I can't let him back in the house without endangering my other children and my marriage. That one thing alone is more challenging than the rest of my life put together has been.
Life is great now. No more lack of sex, or passion. No more only missionary sex, or my husband staring at the ceiling when we have sex. Now I am the desire of someone's heart, and am in a fierce love affair every day with the man who shares my bed. It's amazing being married to a grown up who cherishes me, protects me and would walk through fire for me. My kids adore him and I can't wait for the rest of my life with him.
I wish I'd have left much earlier. But if I had to go through it alllll over again just to get to where I am today, I'd do it a million times over.
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