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Post by Damon on Nov 8, 2011 0:46:55 GMT -5
Sue posted this in the Welcome thread, but I didn't want it to get lost so I moved the content here and began a new post.
I'm Sue. My husband disclosed feelings of attraction to men five years ago whilst he was going through a bad depression. He thought at that point he might be Bi but since realises he is gay. In fact he knew before he married me that he didn't have the right feelings for me and was attracted to men. He doesn't want to be gay and says he has no intention what so ever of being gay so he doesn't think he has done anything wrong.We are still together but I am finding it hard to stay married. We have two children age 12 and 14 and basically I am staying for them. No one knows about my husbands attraction to men except me which again I am finding really difficult. I am hoping to get some support and help from other people in the same situation as myself.
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Tara
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Post by Tara on Nov 8, 2011 1:10:21 GMT -5
Hi Sue, I'm really sorry we have so many crappy things in common! I can relate because was married to my husband for 19 years before I discovered he is gay. I believe he has been gay since birth. The picture is all so crystal clear now. It explains why the relationship was the way it was. But the sad part is he stole 20 years of my life. I hope that you find support here for what you are going through. I would also encourage you to seek out other people to talk to. You should not have to carry his burden alone! Start going to counseling or tell someone at church, maybe a friend or a relative you can trust. For me, it is getting increasingly difficult to live here with him. I have no money and no where to go. He is playing mind games with me, spying on me, stealing money from me and still here I sit. I'm trying to put myself through school so that I can have a good, stable job and become fully independent. I do not have children. I could imagine that would complicate things even more. Either way, it is a stressful situation and hard to get through without a lot of support. Start gathering a support system together and start to imagine what you would want your life to look like if you were on your own. Maybe then you can start to work towards a plan that will make that a reality. We both of us deserve better. God bless.
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Sue E
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Post by Sue E on Nov 8, 2011 14:33:03 GMT -5
Hi Tara,
Thanks for sending a reply to my posting. I understand what you are saying that post disclosure all sorts of things about your relationship become crystal clear. I feel the same way. My husband regrets telling me now as he has no intentions of following his gay attraction but of course whether he does or not his disclosure has been like a bomb going off in the middle of our family. I don't think I really realised what it meant to start with, I just thought his attraction to men was just a small thing because he was married to me and I couldn't get my head around the fact that he was gay. But as time has gone on, it has slowly sunk in and I realise what it really means for our marriage ultimately. I have begun to distance myself from him, but it means that our home life is so cold and our home isn't a home any more. We are just in limbo and don't even get on any more, arguing over the most ridiculous things time and time again. I have been trying to talk to more people mainly on line but gradually I will talk to people in the real world rather than the virtual about what has happened. I understand what you are saying about your gay husband stealing 20 years of your life, I feel like that as well. I always saw myself as being married to the same person for life and we would work through things however difficult together. That dream can no longer happen because there is no working through the gay thing. It is what it is. It is not right that I am married to a gay man. I have to put that right at some point, it is difficult because of the children. Thanks again for all your good advice.
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Tara
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Post by Tara on Nov 8, 2011 14:54:51 GMT -5
I know it's hard. Accepting is the most difficult part of all. When you accept it, then you have to start making changes and that can make you frozen stiff with fear. I spent a lot of time falling back under the cover of denial because it was safe there and I didn't feel as much pain. I could play along and not have to deal with it. That lasted for quite some time. But it doesn't work anymore. Like you said...being married to a gay man is just wrong. It's wrong inside my soul. I can't run from it anymore. Somewhere along the lines I am going to have to make some changes. After 20-some years, it is very scary. I let him take all my self-confidence. Sometimes I don't think I'm going to make it...whatever that looks like, I don't know. Blessed are the ones who are strong. Be strong, Sue.
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Post by Damon on Nov 9, 2011 10:44:35 GMT -5
I have always been amazed at the general difference between the way gay husbands and gay wives react once the walls start to come crashing down. What I am talking about is that it seems like the gay husbands hang on so tightly to their marriage, no matter how many times they have had anonymous hookups or how badly the marriage has started to become. They just keep themselves in deep denial and refuse to acknowledge their homosexuality, even when faced with obvious evidence to the contrary, and all this does is sew doubt and misgivings in their wives soul about wanting to leave to find their own happiness. I see you ladies here, stuck in a marriage with a husband that is so very deep in denial, and trying to figure out what to do and worrying over breaking up the family, worrying about what will happen to your husband...just generally killing yourselves over the bleak future.
It seems the gay wives are the exact opposite. Once they reach the point of accepting this and come out, or once they are caught cheating, they just pack it up and leave. It's like they don't give it a second thought, at least that is what it seems on the surface. I have read enough of the stories at Ask Joanne to realize that a lot of the wives are very aggrieved as well and have a difficult time processing it too, but there is definitely an overall difference in the way they act at the end. I think that perhaps the wives start emotionally detaching a long time before they ever leave so that it is easier, at least that is how it appears from the many stories that I have read at SSN and with my own experience.
Please keep in mind that I am saying this appears to be true, generally speaking, and is certainly not the same for all instances. The reason that I bring up this disparity is that most of the men on the board have a difficult time really understanding the place you women are coming from. You see, for us, we were tossed overboard and told to sink or swim. We weren't given a choice about whether or not to stay in the marriage. I was talking to someone in board chat last night and he brought up that he honestly didn't know what he would have done if his wife would have wanted to stay. That made me wonder about my own circumstances. It's true that my wife told me in 2008 that she was struggling with her attractions to women, but she was committed to the marriage and family, that she would never leave, never cheat, and that I had nothing to worry about. That it was something that she could handle. In the nearly two years that followed, she led me to believe that everything was good. When we would talk about it, she would tell me things were getting better and it didn't bother her as much anymore. We were going out on date nights, spending more time doing fun things for just us....you know, all the things that is supposed to rekindle a marriage and make it stronger. I had NO CLUE that she was secretly cutting all the ties she had with me until one day it was just all over. Gone. Done. So I wonder, what would I have done if she had come to me and said, "Well, after really struggling with figuring myself out, I have come to the realization that I am definitely gay. I love you, but I am not in love with you, and I don't have the same feelings for you that you do for me. I really don't like having sex with you very much and I fantasize about women all the time. There is someone down at the office that I have fallen in love with, but I don't want to break apart our family or get divorced, but I also think I need to be able to be with this woman too."
Wow, what would I have done? I mean honestly, I don't know. It would have been a horrible position to be in. What I do know though is that if you ladies do, at some point, decide to leave the marriage, then you will most certainly swim and not sink. Take it from someone who was thrown from the boat.
Damon
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clif
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Post by clif on Nov 9, 2011 13:22:08 GMT -5
Damon, I agree with that 100%. I have noticed the difference between the men, on this board and the ssn board, and the women's situations. Mine was very much like you described. "I'm gay and I'm gone". Luckily no young children for us. I sometimes think ripping the band-aid off was the nicest thing she did for me.
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Tara
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Post by Tara on Nov 9, 2011 13:39:06 GMT -5
I would give ANYTHING in the world for my husband to walk in the door and tell me to burn in hell. THAT I would know what to do with! I pray for that all the time. I am being mind fucked on a daily basis. I let it get to me. I'm just tired.
We have this unspoken rule that is happening in the house..... He will let me live here and pay all the bills and pay for my schooling as long as I don't speak of his being gay. It is a horrible way to live. I've been in school for a year full time and working so hard. It looks like it all may be for not now...... Decisions are going to have to be made soon. Things are going to change.
The shitty part is he won't grow any and stand up for what he wants - whatever it may be. He only says "I just want you to be happy." I plead with him for answers, any kind of answers. I don't get any. He sits in his closet without speaking a word. I don't know what do to with that.
If I leave now, I won't be able to finish school. How can I stay?
Oh, how I wish he would walk in the door and throw me over board. It might even save my life.
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Post by brandon on Nov 9, 2011 17:26:55 GMT -5
Great post Damon. I liked the analogy of being thrown over board. I made a hell of a splash when my ass hit the water. In my opinion, for the gay men the attraction is more about sex. For the gay women, I think it is more of an emotional attraction. I may be wrong, but that's what I've concluded. I also think the men are more concerned about the embarrassment of being outed than the gay women. Can I use queer on here? By the way, where I come from a gay man is referred to as a queer and a gay woman is a lesbian. For the love of Christ, let's not offend anyone. I too was fed the "I love you, but I'm not in love with you" line of shit.
Brandon
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Post by Damon on Nov 10, 2011 1:17:06 GMT -5
Brandon,
You don't have to be politically correct HERE brother. No one's going to come and bust your balls for it more than once.
You may be correct about the emotional part but I just don't know. I accept that I will probably never know or understand and try to move on from that point of view. Of course that doesn't always quell the questions that reemerge from time to time, but I don't spend the time and energy that I once did trying to figure it out.
Damon
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Sue E
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Post by Sue E on Nov 10, 2011 18:42:08 GMT -5
Damon, in reply to your post about the difference between the way gay married men and gay married women handle their 'coming out' or 'them being discovered' is interesting. I wonder if it is because of the kids. Women tend to get custody, so the gay married men don't want to lose being with their children so they try harder to keep the family together, also perhaps there is more of a stigma to being gay and being male rather than female. Just some thoughts. I feel for you when you say that your wife misled you for two years and whilst you thought that you were working on your marriage and things were going well, she was detaching herself. You must have very let down. I felt very let down and used when I found out my husband married me knowing he didn't have the right feelings for me.
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